Sunday, August 24, 2008

Venting/ Journaling

Ok let me preface this entry. I wrote this a few days ago. I was feeling....overwhelmed. I still am and I am not really 100% sure I want to publish it because as I say later don't like sharing things of this nature about myself, usually my mom is the only one I talk to about this kind of stuff and sometimes very close friends, and this is public for anyone to judge me one way or the other. I thought about this for a few days now and figure well I could publish it and maybe get a comment or two that could help me work through my frustration, or help me feel less alone in my feelings. Be warned that they thoughts are NOT organized, scattered and very personal to me. The funny thing is that I still held back, there was a lots more I wanted to say, but didn't. I hope you all know that I do love being a mother, just know I am having a bad few weeks and I probably just need a night off. So please, "Don't you judge me!" Just love me anyway. Or HELP!

, So on my last entry I mentioned the fact that I was ready for my kids to go back to school. I don't want anyone thinking I am not happy being a mother. Although there have been moments this month where I have thought "I am not enjoying being a mother right now." This is hard for me to take because all I have ever wanted in my life was to be a mother. Even when I was in grade school all I remember telling people I wanted to be was a Stay at Home mom. I just knew I would love taking my kids to the park, and all those fun things moms get to do (hey it is like getting to be a kids still right...) When I was in high school and planning for college I was still thinking of majors that would work great for being a mom. I originally went into teaching thinking it was going to be the best training I could get.... Then I switched to dance that was way more fun and I figured when my kids were all in school I could open a studio of my own... we will see on that one. Anyway I am living my dream and I am sooooo grateful for my children. They weren't all easy to get. For those of you who don't know we have lost 4 and the last one was very painful for a very long time. Even though we have had one since then there are scares on my heart that have been slow to heal... Anyway I love do love being a mom and it makes me sad when I am not enjoying it. I know that there are a few reasons I am not enjoying it lately. #1 is I haven't been taking good care of me lately, I haven't been working out (I know some of you are thinking what does that have to do with it, this has more to do with my mental and emotional state then physical I have found. I don't always loose much weight just my working out but I am a better person when I do.) , I also haven't taken any real time out for myself. I usually like to take a night once and a while to scrap book, or just get out. But I haven't done this at all this summer! I have been doing my mommy duty 24/7 since school let out (until last week Larry and I went to the temple!) I have found that I also need to take a little time off just to do something for me, this helps me be a better mom. So I need to do this so I can take care of me in turn take better care of my children. I use to think that was a very selfish thing to hear people say, then I became a mom and realized what it feels like to run on empty because you have given it all away. I try really hard to make summer fun and full of fun stuff to do. We have almost NO tv. In fact my kids watch less tv now then they do during school. The tv is almost never on during the week. We watch a movie as a family on the weekend. (Usually Friday) and they get 2 hours of Saturday morning cartoons (this is more for Larry and I's benefit then for the kids). I bought workbooks at the beginning of summer so the kids could keep up and loose what they gained during the school year. I planned trips to the beach, bought a pool pass, Story time at the library and picnic in the park every Wed, play dates with friends, reading lots of books, camp outs in the playhouse in the back yard..... Anything to keep them busy and happy. But there comes a time when mom gets tired, kids get tired, and then there is fighting. This is honestly one of my biggest pet peeves as a mom. FIGHTING!!!! I want so badly for my kids to get a long play nicely together. An I really can't complain to much I have seen kids who fight with each other waaaaay more then mine do. But as I read in the scriptures and am always thinking of the way it should be and how it is my job to teach them this and I see a few families who seem to have a really good handle on this I wonder "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!" So when Larry and I spent and evening in the temple 2 weeks ago I came up with a solution and we are putting it into action. This week has been.... somewhat better, I don't think anything can stop the problem immediately, but I know that as we follow the prophet and resolve to be better about our family scripture study and family prayer things will get better. I don't want you all to think we are heathens and weren't doing this before. We were but if I was to tired or was just READY for them to go to bed I would just not want to deal with it and put them to bed. So we were at about a 75% rate of doing it, and less with daddy. I can't be sure he will be a 100% now either because he works long hours sometimes and I put kids to bed sometimes before he is home. (Can you blame me on the days he gets home at 8:30 and later!!) Anyway but we are resolved to do better in this area and I think it will help immensely with the spirit being in our home. Not only do I know my kids will fight less, but I know I will have the spirit with me enough to know how to handle it and teach them how to get a long better. Plus going back to school will help us all be better! :)
Sorry my rant was a little unorganized but I am trying to organize my thoughts as I go. I have been thinking about this all a lot lately and it is really really hard for me to write or say these things because I often feel like others will think I am a bad mom, for feeling, or thinking these things. Which I know probably isn't true because I know I am not the only one who goes through this. But I also don't like sharing my "deep" thoughts or feelings just because as open as I am with a lot of things in my life the way I feel about my self is something I don't like to talk about much. I struggle to feel like I am doing everything the way that I should and wonder what I should be doing better, and constantly am second guessing myself when it comes to the way I do everything from raising my kids, keeping my house, and serving in my calling. I have enough critics that let me know I am doing things wrong (even if they don't say it to my face), to know someone doesn't agree. But I have to get to that point where I am ok with who I am. Most of the time I am ok, but and know that I am doing the best I can just like everyone else and what other people say shouldn't effect me but as much as I was taught that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" I hate to say it but THEY DO! They hurt more! But I am finding the strength and the power to move on, love myself and know that "I am who I am and that's all that I am" (I think Popeye said that) Anyway I am going to close my rant because it is long and I need to stop before I say something I shouldn't Although I have shared more then I think I ought to because It was just tooo much! I am debating on even publishing this.


Kim said...

First I just want to say that it does take some guts to throw it out there on the blog (I too have wondered about what to post before).

Second I just want to say that I know I have felt sooooo many of the same things that you have. I often wonder why as mothers and as women we are afraid to share what we are struggling with. There should be no shame in any of the things that you are saying, it is how you are feeling and it is valid. In any other profession if you are having a problem you would talk about it, get feedback from others and never think twice about. Why is it that mothers are supposed to be perfect and be doing everything right and that everyone always has to think we have it all together. I know I don't. Kudos for no TV my kids have totally watched TV this summer, so there pat yourself on the back. As far as the fighting goes, totally feeling that this summer, I don't know if it's Madie finally hitting the point that she needs school, she needs some time away?

Third I totally concer about Mom needing a get away. I think about Jeff and he is a super hard worker at work, but when he comes home he leaves work behind (most of the time) he also gets time off from work, but as a mother you never get a day off you are mom 24/7 (even when dads are around I might add) and we do need time away. Time to develop talents, interests, to have fun and to remember that we were individuals long before we were mothers and we still are those people we just get buried under dirty laundry, dirty diapers, bedtime, house cleaning, child rearing, church callings, and community responsiblities. It isn't wrong to need to feel ones canteen both spiritual and physical. We just got done doing a Book of Mormon reading challenge and it has been amazing taking the time to personally read the scriptures daily. I totally agree with the solutions you are going to try and say that that is an area we need to improve it too.

Don't beat yourself you are a totally normal mom, struggling with totally normal problems and I think that the fact that these things are bother you should show you that you are a good mom because you care, you want to change, and you love your family. I know this is such a long post, but I think it's great that you put yourself out there that you admitted that you are human and I hope you won't be afraid to admit to others when you are struggling and having a hard time because I personally think that we as women need to improve in this area and stop juding each other and be there for each other and help each other. I hope this comment helped and isn't just a ramble. I hope things improve and you feel better, if I lived by you I would come by and give you a hug and a little bit of chocolate, because that always helps :( !!!

Prissy & Hero said...

I appreciate your candidness. I think we all have things like this. I think you're a wonderful mom. I can't imagine keeping up the routine you've done this summer. It tires me out just thinking about it. Your kids will have such good memories from all your efforts. I also agree that doing the basics makes such a difference. It can be so easy to rationalize not doing them here or there. But, I've also felt the difference for our little family. Keep your head up. You're doing great. I can only imagine having 4 kids and doing all you do!

Lindsay said...

Oh, sweetie. You are putting in to words what every mom feels. You are an excellent mom and taking time for yourself will make you an even better one. One thing that I've learned with having my husband away for months on end is moms have to take time for themselves. No one can give on an empty canteen.

Rachel said...

Do I need to even add to what the ladies are saying?
I agree with the taking time for yourself. I do it probably far too often. But I think after almost 14 years of marriage, Lloyd know that I just need a break even if it means going to the store ALONE!

Do be too hard on yourself besides your doing a great job as a mother just look at your kids!
I think we mom's are all rowing the same darn boat. It's a good thing we are because We would never let you sink.


Rory Baxter said...

I agree so much with what the other ladies have said. As moms I dont think we realize how often we are all sitting at home with our own kiddos and lives and doing and thinking the same things!
We think we are the only ones going through things or struggling and then worry about sharing with others or asking for help - I know I do that every day - and yet when we can share the tears, struggles and burdens we do and feel so much better. Then it is easier to share the laughs and happy times too.
Thanx for being willing to share even though it was hard - hopefully this has helped you to just let it out and to get some positive feedback.
Just so you know - I admire you so very much! You do amazing things with your kiddos and your family plus you are always willing to help and serve others. You amaze me with your friendliness and creativity!
I am finding after these many years of marriage and lots of kiddos that finding time for me gets harder and harder. I still feel guilty when I pick up a book vs doing the dishes or when I spend a day FINALLY getting to scrap a few pages after months of neglecting the kids' books - I can always see or feel or know all the things I am NOT doing - vs the fact that I AM doing something positive like learning something new or making something special for my children that they love, or enjoying something just for fun.
It does sound like you are doing all the right things and the blessings will come in small and big ways soon! Keep up your great ideas, continue to be the awesome, consistent mom you are and keep your chin up.
You are a great person and a great mom! Remember that on those hard days, and try to find the things you ARE doing - no matter how small! You will find that list is bigger than you think :)
Take care -k-

The Hawaiian Gards said...

I think your preaching to the choir. Its good for us to vent I think so we know were not alone. YOUR NOT ALONE! Hang in there!!!!Oh and I second everything everyone else has said!

The Gatherum's said...

I understand how you feel. You are right on to need to care for you, so you have more to give to your family. Remember it is said parenting is the hardest job around. Partly, because in the professional world there is a right and wrong way to do most things. Not so with parenting, because we are raising such unique individuals. Even parenting within the family can not always be the same.
I too believe that daily prayers and scriptures will bless your family. Keep up the good work. We all fall off the boat, but the key is to get back on each time we fall off.

Lastly, date that man of yours. It will help. Honestly it does. I say that from experience. I spent years not dating, so we would not have to find a sitter. I have found it came at a cost, I really do need to take some time for the us too. I am a better mother when I do, plus I appreciate my kids just a little more. And surfing Craig's list only counts once a year at most as a date night. LOL

You really are doing a great job. Just think of the red meals, green meals you make. The family home evening treats you make weekly. Look back on your blog. You are incredible. Things I wished I had the energy to do. I look at you and think you are amazing, so smile at the good you have done and remember if God expected you to be a perfect parent in a day, he would NOT have giving you 18 plus years to raise them and you would have had them in a litter, instead of one on one. Each is a trial and blessing of their own.
You are great.

A big happy family said...

I think every mom has felt this way. I've even had days where I've thought, I am not cut out for this!" I just lose it when they continue to fight all day. I too am looking forward to school starting, and I don't think that makes us bad moms. I think every mom since the beginning of time has been driven crazy at some point by their children. We just have to bask in the moments when they are actually getting along.

Alli said...

You need a big hug! I think it's really brave to post that, but then again, you're right, every mom feels the same way from time to time. I pray a lot to have more patience with my kids, and to be more loving with them because I don't want to be a yelling mom. Just have to ask if my family was on the fights less or fights more or not rated lists :) :) "Don't you judge me!"