Ok let me preface this entry. I wrote this a few days ago. I was feeling....overwhelmed. I still am and I am not really 100% sure I want to publish it because as I say later don't like sharing things of this nature about myself, usually my mom is the only one I talk to about this kind of stuff and sometimes very close friends, and this is public for anyone to judge me one way or the other. I thought about this for a few days now and figure well I could publish it and maybe get a comment or two that could help me work through my frustration, or help me feel less alone in my feelings. Be warned that they thoughts are NOT organized, scattered and very personal to me. The funny thing is that I still held back, there was a lots more I wanted to say, but didn't. I hope you all know that I do love being a mother, just know I am having a bad few weeks and I probably just need a night off. So please, "Don't you judge me!" Just love me anyway. Or HELP!
Ok, So on my last entry I mentioned the fact that I was ready for my kids to go back to school. I don't want anyone thinking I am not happy being a mother. Although there have been moments this month where I have thought "I am not enjoying being a mother right now." This is hard for me to take because all I have ever wanted in my life was to be a mother. Even when I was in grade school all I remember telling people I wanted to be was a Stay at Home mom. I just knew I would love taking my kids to the park, and all those fun things moms get to do (hey it is like getting to be a kids still right...) When I was in high school and planning for college I was still thinking of majors that would work great for being a mom. I originally went into teaching thinking it was going to be the best training I could get.... Then I switched to dance that was way more fun and I figured when my kids were all in school I could open a studio of my own... we will see on that one. Anyway I am living my dream and I am sooooo grateful for my children. They weren't all easy to get. For those of you who don't know we have lost 4 and the last one was very painful for a very long time. Even though we have had one since then there are scares on my heart that have been slow to heal... Anyway I love do love being a mom and it makes me sad when I am not enjoying it. I know that there are a few reasons I am not enjoying it lately. #1 is I haven't been taking good care of me lately, I haven't been working out (I know some of you are thinking what does that have to do with it, this has more to do with my mental and emotional state then physical I have found. I don't always loose much weight just my working out but I am a better person when I do.) , I also haven't taken any real time out for myself. I usually like to take a night once and a while to scrap book, or just get out. But I haven't done this at all this summer! I have been doing my mommy duty 24/7 since school let out (until last week Larry and I went to the temple!) I have found that I also need to take a little time off just to do something for me, this helps me be a better mom. So I need to do this so I can take care of me in turn take better care of my children. I use to think that was a very selfish thing to hear people say, then I became a mom and realized what it feels like to run on empty because you have given it all away. I try really hard to make summer fun and full of fun stuff to do. We have almost NO tv. In fact my kids watch less tv now then they do during school. The tv is almost never on during the week. We watch a movie as a family on the weekend. (Usually Friday) and they get 2 hours of Saturday morning cartoons (this is more for Larry and I's benefit then for the kids). I bought workbooks at the beginning of summer so the kids could keep up and loose what they gained during the school year. I planned trips to the beach, bought a pool pass, Story time at the library and picnic in the park every Wed, play dates with friends, reading lots of books, camp outs in the playhouse in the back yard..... Anything to keep them busy and happy. But there comes a time when mom gets tired, kids get tired, and then there is fighting. This is honestly one of my biggest pet peeves as a mom. FIGHTING!!!! I want so badly for my kids to get a long play nicely together. An I really can't complain to much I have seen kids who fight with each other waaaaay more then mine do. But as I read in the scriptures and am always thinking of the way it should be and how it is my job to teach them this and I see a few families who seem to have a really good handle on this I wonder "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!" So when Larry and I spent and evening in the temple 2 weeks ago I came up with a solution and we are putting it into action. This week has been.... somewhat better, I don't think anything can stop the problem immediately, but I know that as we follow the prophet and resolve to be better about our family scripture study and family prayer things will get better. I don't want you all to think we are heathens and weren't doing this before. We were but if I was to tired or was just READY for them to go to bed I would just not want to deal with it and put them to bed. So we were at about a 75% rate of doing it, and less with daddy. I can't be sure he will be a 100% now either because he works long hours sometimes and I put kids to bed sometimes before he is home. (Can you blame me on the days he gets home at 8:30 and later!!) Anyway but we are resolved to do better in this area and I think it will help immensely with the spirit being in our home. Not only do I know my kids will fight less, but I know I will have the spirit with me enough to know how to handle it and teach them how to get a long better. Plus going back to school will help us all be better! :)
Sorry my rant was a little unorganized but I am trying to organize my thoughts as I go. I have been thinking about this all a lot lately and it is really really hard for me to write or say these things because I often feel like others will think I am a bad mom, for feeling, or thinking these things. Which I know probably isn't true because I know I am not the only one who goes through this. But I also don't like sharing my "deep" thoughts or feelings just because as open as I am with a lot of things in my life the way I feel about my self is something I don't like to talk about much. I struggle to feel like I am doing everything the way that I should and wonder what I should be doing better, and constantly am second guessing myself when it comes to the way I do everything from raising my kids, keeping my house, and serving in my calling. I have enough critics that let me know I am doing things wrong (even if they don't say it to my face), to know someone doesn't agree. But I have to get to that point where I am ok with who I am. Most of the time I am ok, but and know that I am doing the best I can just like everyone else and what other people say shouldn't effect me but as much as I was taught that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" I hate to say it but THEY DO! They hurt more! But I am finding the strength and the power to move on, love myself and know that "I am who I am and that's all that I am" (I think Popeye said that) Anyway I am going to close my rant because it is long and I need to stop before I say something I shouldn't Although I have shared more then I think I ought to because It was just tooo much! I am debating on even publishing this.